The Liar of the Links - Golf Poetry

THE LIAR OF THE LINKS

I HAVE been from Maine to Denver and from Denver to the coast,
And I've met with many liars, great and small;
I've listened to New England brag and Minnesota boast.
And the wildest western whopper of them all.
But I want to go on record that it is my firm belief
That for quality that never fades nor shrinks,
The uncrowned King of Liars, the General-in-Chief,
Is the glib and gifted Liar of the Links.

The old familiar lies of mighty deeds with rod and gun,
The trick that caught the trout or killed the moose.
Are simply brainless bubbles when this most accomplished son
Of Ananias once gets fairly loose.
He will tell you how in driving from the sixth or seventh tee,
Some thirty minutes after set of sun.
His ball slipped through the bark upon a slippery elm tree,
Then caromed from a branch and holed in one.

He will tell you how in lofting once his ball went up so high.
It took at least three minutes to come down ;
And how he won by twenty holes and didn't have to try.
Against the celebrated slasher Brown.
He will also tell of bunkers high as any mountain peak,
Over which he's sent his ball with deadly aim ;
And with manner bold and brassy he will lie about the cleek
With which he won the championship game.

He will tell about the blindfold game he played a year ago,
When he made his famous round in fifty-three;
He will tell how he's defeated all the best this land can show.
And many famous chaps across the sea.
In short, with all respect to other liars here and there,
For versatile mendacity, methinks
He stands alone, unparalleled and quite beyond compare.
This monumental Liar of the Links.

E. C. Walcott, in Lyrics of the Links, published in 1921.